In light of my most recent post something funny happened today...I ran into a couple people at the gym (on my last day at home before I start back for my last semester at college) that I haven't seen since high school-a couple people with whom I used be pretty good friends. What are the odds that the three of us would end up in an 8:30 am circuit training class together? Not sure but they seem pretty slim to me. Anyways, afterwards the three of us went and got lunch together and it just goes to show that if you are open and accepting of making changes in your life, of making an effort to reconnect with people and keep connections that you presently have, then life has a funny way of giving you a little nudge to get you going. I'm so happy to have run into you guys today and so thankful that we were able to pick up where we left off catching up on each others lives. I feel like I am now leaving home and heading back to Boston on a positive note ready to rock through this last semester and then start my life in the adult world (whole other set of issues I'm sure there will be a post about how terrified I am coming up soon).
I guess this post pretty much sums up how I feel about this trip home....short but sweet
Just my thoughts
Radhi
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Hello old friend
So it has been a while...
It has been brought to my attention recently that I have neglected this blog for quite some time. I can cite all sorts of things saying that "I got really busy" or "I had more important stuff going on," but the fact of the matter is that I really just forgot. I forgot that I have this old friend here for me that I can write to and say everything I feel-and say it truly-and I will not be judged for it. I forgot that pouring out my feelings into my writing has so often helped me deal with those emotions. It is funny how we forget about things when we seem not to need them or we aren't being constantly reminded of them. It is easy to befriend someone you see every day but how much do you remember that person when they are no longer such a presence in your life? I know I am the worst offender. It's not that I use people - I don't and I never will - but rather that I don't actively try to stay in touch. So when people don't try with me the connection is lost.
Writing this actually makes me sad. I know I've said it before but I am a firm believer in the statement that everyone you meet leaves a mark on your existence, whether trivial or pivotal, that will in some way influence who you are. I feel like I have lost touch with many of the people who have made those pivotal differences in me. So this is my challenge to myself: as I wrap up my senior year I will be reconnecting with old friends who I haven't spoken to in a while but want to keep around in my life. Beyond that, I am going to make sure that when I graduate I do not fall into my old ways but keep close the friends I hold dear in my heart, even if physically we are separated. I urge everyone to take a few days and think on the relationships they have had in the past that changed them for the better. Who was the person? What did they mean to you? Are you still in touch? If not, I challenge you to reconnect with him or her.
Just my thoughts
Radhi
It has been brought to my attention recently that I have neglected this blog for quite some time. I can cite all sorts of things saying that "I got really busy" or "I had more important stuff going on," but the fact of the matter is that I really just forgot. I forgot that I have this old friend here for me that I can write to and say everything I feel-and say it truly-and I will not be judged for it. I forgot that pouring out my feelings into my writing has so often helped me deal with those emotions. It is funny how we forget about things when we seem not to need them or we aren't being constantly reminded of them. It is easy to befriend someone you see every day but how much do you remember that person when they are no longer such a presence in your life? I know I am the worst offender. It's not that I use people - I don't and I never will - but rather that I don't actively try to stay in touch. So when people don't try with me the connection is lost.
Writing this actually makes me sad. I know I've said it before but I am a firm believer in the statement that everyone you meet leaves a mark on your existence, whether trivial or pivotal, that will in some way influence who you are. I feel like I have lost touch with many of the people who have made those pivotal differences in me. So this is my challenge to myself: as I wrap up my senior year I will be reconnecting with old friends who I haven't spoken to in a while but want to keep around in my life. Beyond that, I am going to make sure that when I graduate I do not fall into my old ways but keep close the friends I hold dear in my heart, even if physically we are separated. I urge everyone to take a few days and think on the relationships they have had in the past that changed them for the better. Who was the person? What did they mean to you? Are you still in touch? If not, I challenge you to reconnect with him or her.
Just my thoughts
Radhi
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Stuck
Not quite there.
Not quite here.
Not quite in.
Not quite out.
Not quite close.
Not quite far.
Not really anywhere.
That is where I am.
Not defined.
Not undefined.
Stuck in place where I wish I knew what I was so that I can move forward but held back by forces I have no control over. Pushing and prodding trying to pull a rope here of break a link there but I can't. I've cast my die. It isn't my turn anymore. The outcome of this decision is no longer in my hands. This decision I have made is not mine alone to make. Common courtesy dictates that I wait. But how long can I wait around in a state of non definition waiting to push through the force. Waiting to move on to what is inevitably next. Something more. Something.
I'm stuck.
Waiting.
I'm not delicate.
I won't get hurt.
Just let me go.
I'll get up when I fall.
Not quite here.
Not quite in.
Not quite out.
Not quite close.
Not quite far.
Not really anywhere.
That is where I am.
Not defined.
Not undefined.
Stuck in place where I wish I knew what I was so that I can move forward but held back by forces I have no control over. Pushing and prodding trying to pull a rope here of break a link there but I can't. I've cast my die. It isn't my turn anymore. The outcome of this decision is no longer in my hands. This decision I have made is not mine alone to make. Common courtesy dictates that I wait. But how long can I wait around in a state of non definition waiting to push through the force. Waiting to move on to what is inevitably next. Something more. Something.
I'm stuck.
Waiting.
I'm not delicate.
I won't get hurt.
Just let me go.
I'll get up when I fall.
Monday, April 4, 2011
I guess it's better to know
The world throws so much noise at us.
So much excess.
So much clutter of shit we don't need.
Shit we would be better off without.
Shit.
Last weekend I came to the realization that I would rather know as soon as possible what is shit in my life and what is gold. What is worth listening to and holding on to and what I need to just cut out of my life and never really attempt to even deal with again. People, things, ideas, hopes, dreams. What do you want to deal with. What is it that you truly want in your life and what truly makes you happy? What never gives you grief or makes you think "why am I doing this?" or "why do I even hang out with these people?" If you for even one second have to question your attachment to something and if the reciprocal attachment is as strong, leave it and get out. The things you love are worth fighting for but the things that don't love you back are not.
Just my thoughts
Radhi
So much excess.
So much clutter of shit we don't need.
Shit we would be better off without.
Shit.
Last weekend I came to the realization that I would rather know as soon as possible what is shit in my life and what is gold. What is worth listening to and holding on to and what I need to just cut out of my life and never really attempt to even deal with again. People, things, ideas, hopes, dreams. What do you want to deal with. What is it that you truly want in your life and what truly makes you happy? What never gives you grief or makes you think "why am I doing this?" or "why do I even hang out with these people?" If you for even one second have to question your attachment to something and if the reciprocal attachment is as strong, leave it and get out. The things you love are worth fighting for but the things that don't love you back are not.
Just my thoughts
Radhi
Sunday, March 27, 2011
It comes together to fall apart
It has been quite some time I guess. Or not enough. I guess that is all up to you. But things just fell together. Life started moving. Like reallllly moving. Going too fast for me to stop and take a breath and take it in and realize that it may be going to fast. Things fell into place just like I had always hoped they would. But nothing in this world is as easy as it seems. With success of any kind comes more hard work and the expectation of more success. With any new aspiration comes more work in the hopes of reaching a goal and even surpassing it. Where am I going and when will it finally be enough? Is it even worth it if one day I wake up wondering why I have spent all of this time doing what I'm doing when all I really want to do is spend the day walking around the city and soaking everything in? When was the last day you spent relaxing with someone close to you doing things like going to the aquarium or the museums or just walking around in the sun? I can tell you exactly when the last time was for me and I can also tell you it has been way too long. I promised myself early this year that I would do more things in the city of Boston and then placated myself with the excuse that since I have been doing so much these past two semesters I just haven't had the time unless I decided to stop sleeping. But is that really a valid excuse?
Someone I recently had this conversation with brought it to my attention that "If you really want to do something or love something, you usually make the time for it." Have I really become so self involved that I am not able to make time for my own simple pleasures? Or am I over thinking this. Am I prioritizing properly in the hopes that one day I will be at a point where I CAN take the time to enjoy these pleasures. But at that point will I be too late?
I think these thoughts are being prompted by the fact that I am reaching a tipping point in my balance of activities and life. I feel like I have reached the point where if I try to juggle one more ball or balance one more plate, the entire circus act is going to come tumbling down around me, and I am wondering how I got here. How the hell did I get to this point where I just feel so damn overwhelmed by it all? And why do I feel so overwhelmed? I have never had that problem in the past I usually power through it.
And that being said, this short break is now over and I'm back to the real work. Hopefully I'll find some time to breath soon but until then, I'll bid you farewell.
Radhi
Someone I recently had this conversation with brought it to my attention that "If you really want to do something or love something, you usually make the time for it." Have I really become so self involved that I am not able to make time for my own simple pleasures? Or am I over thinking this. Am I prioritizing properly in the hopes that one day I will be at a point where I CAN take the time to enjoy these pleasures. But at that point will I be too late?
I think these thoughts are being prompted by the fact that I am reaching a tipping point in my balance of activities and life. I feel like I have reached the point where if I try to juggle one more ball or balance one more plate, the entire circus act is going to come tumbling down around me, and I am wondering how I got here. How the hell did I get to this point where I just feel so damn overwhelmed by it all? And why do I feel so overwhelmed? I have never had that problem in the past I usually power through it.
And that being said, this short break is now over and I'm back to the real work. Hopefully I'll find some time to breath soon but until then, I'll bid you farewell.
Radhi
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Dread
Dread.
Usually there is a reason for it.
Right now, there isn't.
Sometimes...and I'm sure I've already mentioned this...my dumb self feels this heavy black suffocating dread that I can find absolutely no reason for. But the fact that there is no reason for it makes it no less real. So this time I have been trying to analyze it. What reason do I possibly have for feeling this way? Everything has been going absolutely amazing (barring some pretty dumb things I've done in the past couple of months-none of which were so dumb that they ruined or broke anything...none of which warrant the way I'm feeling right now). I did a great job this semester, which was a relief after the way I thought things had gone. I seem to have finally figured out where I'm going with my future kinda-at least a general direction. I know what I'm supposed to be focused on at least. I have met some new amazing people who definitely make my days more interesting and I have had a great holiday. I have been applying for internships and jobs that actually seem interesting to me.
All of these things, in my mind, are good things if not great. But I can't help but feel that something is hanging over my head ready to just drop. Ready to say "hey, you aren't allowed to be this happy. Time to crush your dreams." And I guess that is making me dread the happy. What is wrong with me? Is it me? Or is it the universe kindly warning me that it is going to send me through the ringer this semester after having a great past few months?
I know what I should do. Or at least what I think I should do. I should ignore it. I should be basking in the goodness that surrounds me and throwing myself into the things I like to do. I should be telling the universe to go screw itself because I am in a good place right now and I don't think there is any way to screw it up. I am the master of my own fate type stuff. But here I sit. Like a little cowardly child waiting for the monster to crawl out of the closet and scare the begesis out of me. Waiting for something to happen that will ruin everything. This is absurd.
Snap out of it.
Radhi
Usually there is a reason for it.
Right now, there isn't.
Sometimes...and I'm sure I've already mentioned this...my dumb self feels this heavy black suffocating dread that I can find absolutely no reason for. But the fact that there is no reason for it makes it no less real. So this time I have been trying to analyze it. What reason do I possibly have for feeling this way? Everything has been going absolutely amazing (barring some pretty dumb things I've done in the past couple of months-none of which were so dumb that they ruined or broke anything...none of which warrant the way I'm feeling right now). I did a great job this semester, which was a relief after the way I thought things had gone. I seem to have finally figured out where I'm going with my future kinda-at least a general direction. I know what I'm supposed to be focused on at least. I have met some new amazing people who definitely make my days more interesting and I have had a great holiday. I have been applying for internships and jobs that actually seem interesting to me.
All of these things, in my mind, are good things if not great. But I can't help but feel that something is hanging over my head ready to just drop. Ready to say "hey, you aren't allowed to be this happy. Time to crush your dreams." And I guess that is making me dread the happy. What is wrong with me? Is it me? Or is it the universe kindly warning me that it is going to send me through the ringer this semester after having a great past few months?
I know what I should do. Or at least what I think I should do. I should ignore it. I should be basking in the goodness that surrounds me and throwing myself into the things I like to do. I should be telling the universe to go screw itself because I am in a good place right now and I don't think there is any way to screw it up. I am the master of my own fate type stuff. But here I sit. Like a little cowardly child waiting for the monster to crawl out of the closet and scare the begesis out of me. Waiting for something to happen that will ruin everything. This is absurd.
Snap out of it.
Radhi
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
When marimba rythm starts to play, dance with me...
sway with me...
No matter where and when I hear this song, whoever is singing it and what the situation, it always makes me want to get up and dance. Not only does it have a rythm that makes my hips just want to GO and my feet glide, but it describes basically the perfect moment. Picture this: the lights come up, you spot someone from across the room and in that moment you make your way to them They make their way to you. It doesn't really make a difference, all that really matters is that in that moment you move in unison because that is what is supposed to happen. That is what the music is making you both do and you are so in sync with that other person that everything else falls away. The perfect moment. What happens beyond that doesn't matter. I don't care if after the song ends you two part ways and never speak again. I don't care if you fall in love and live happily ever after. I don't care if you become best friends or worst enemies. All that matters is that for about three minutes you had a breathtakingly exhilarating experience. Too often people let the circumstances of a situation--what happens before it or after it--taint the actual experience. People worry about what this or that action of theirs means to others. What will my friends think if I (insert action here)? What will he/she do if I (insert)? Too often we get caught up in the extra stuff that we can't enjoy the moments that are there to take our breath away, even if they only last for 3 minutes and only come every once in a while. If you can truly let go of trying to tailor your actions and decisions to the desires of others and focus on finding your own marimba rythm, then you can make those moments more often because more often you will do what you want without regard for what society feels is "proper conduct" from you. So what if you come off quirky. So what if your friends know you as the weird one? If you're the normal one I'd be more worried. It means you're boring.
Challenge:
I want everyone I know this week to go do something out of his or her comfort zone that they have wanted to do for a while. Go salsa dancing, go sing karaoke, go put on a pair of skates and let lose like a little kid, cook something. I don't really care what it is and it doesn't have to be big. Just different. Break out of the ordinary norms of what you do because you know it is acceptable and your friends expect it of you. Do something that will cause people to say "Really? (insert YOUR name) did THAT this past weekend? I had no idea!" Make them see you differently and do something that inspires others to leave their comfort zones and try to find moments of perfection in new places. I don't care if you ever do it again. At the very worst, you know you defo don't want to try that again. At the best, you finds something you love that will bring you joy for years. You will at least have one moment of pure life in the knowledge that you are doing something brand new to you. After all...aren't we all trying to make the world a little more of an interesting place?
Just my thoughts
Radhi
No matter where and when I hear this song, whoever is singing it and what the situation, it always makes me want to get up and dance. Not only does it have a rythm that makes my hips just want to GO and my feet glide, but it describes basically the perfect moment. Picture this: the lights come up, you spot someone from across the room and in that moment you make your way to them They make their way to you. It doesn't really make a difference, all that really matters is that in that moment you move in unison because that is what is supposed to happen. That is what the music is making you both do and you are so in sync with that other person that everything else falls away. The perfect moment. What happens beyond that doesn't matter. I don't care if after the song ends you two part ways and never speak again. I don't care if you fall in love and live happily ever after. I don't care if you become best friends or worst enemies. All that matters is that for about three minutes you had a breathtakingly exhilarating experience. Too often people let the circumstances of a situation--what happens before it or after it--taint the actual experience. People worry about what this or that action of theirs means to others. What will my friends think if I (insert action here)? What will he/she do if I (insert)? Too often we get caught up in the extra stuff that we can't enjoy the moments that are there to take our breath away, even if they only last for 3 minutes and only come every once in a while. If you can truly let go of trying to tailor your actions and decisions to the desires of others and focus on finding your own marimba rythm, then you can make those moments more often because more often you will do what you want without regard for what society feels is "proper conduct" from you. So what if you come off quirky. So what if your friends know you as the weird one? If you're the normal one I'd be more worried. It means you're boring.
Challenge:
I want everyone I know this week to go do something out of his or her comfort zone that they have wanted to do for a while. Go salsa dancing, go sing karaoke, go put on a pair of skates and let lose like a little kid, cook something. I don't really care what it is and it doesn't have to be big. Just different. Break out of the ordinary norms of what you do because you know it is acceptable and your friends expect it of you. Do something that will cause people to say "Really? (insert YOUR name) did THAT this past weekend? I had no idea!" Make them see you differently and do something that inspires others to leave their comfort zones and try to find moments of perfection in new places. I don't care if you ever do it again. At the very worst, you know you defo don't want to try that again. At the best, you finds something you love that will bring you joy for years. You will at least have one moment of pure life in the knowledge that you are doing something brand new to you. After all...aren't we all trying to make the world a little more of an interesting place?
Just my thoughts
Radhi
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