Dread

Dread.
Usually there is a reason for it.
Right now, there isn't.

Sometimes...and I'm sure I've already mentioned this...my dumb self feels this heavy black suffocating dread that I can find absolutely no reason for. But the fact that there is no reason for it makes it no less real. So this time I have been trying to analyze it. What reason do I possibly have for feeling this way? Everything has been going absolutely amazing (barring some pretty dumb things I've done in the past couple of months-none of which were so dumb that they ruined or broke anything...none of which warrant the way I'm feeling right now). I did a great job this semester, which was a relief after the way I thought things had gone. I seem to have finally figured out where I'm going with my future kinda-at least a general direction. I know what I'm supposed to be focused on at least. I have met some new amazing people who definitely make my days more interesting and I have had a great holiday. I have been applying for internships and jobs that actually seem interesting to me.

All of these things, in my mind, are good things if not great. But I can't help but feel that something is hanging over my head ready to just drop. Ready to say "hey, you aren't allowed to be this happy. Time to crush your dreams." And I guess that is making me dread the happy. What is wrong with me? Is it me? Or is it the universe kindly warning me that it is going to send me through the ringer this semester after having a great past few months?

I know what I should do. Or at least what I think I should do. I should ignore it. I should be basking in the goodness that surrounds me and throwing myself into the things I like to do. I should be telling the universe to go screw itself because I am in a good place right now and I don't think there is any way to screw it up. I am the master of my own fate type stuff. But here I sit. Like a little cowardly child waiting for the monster to crawl out of the closet and scare the begesis out of me. Waiting for something to happen that will ruin everything. This is absurd.

Snap out of it.

Radhi