Stuck

Not quite there.
Not quite here.
Not quite in.
Not quite out.
Not quite close.
Not quite far.
Not really anywhere.
That is where I am.

Not defined.
Not undefined.

Stuck in place where I wish I knew what I was so that I can move forward but held back by forces I have no control over. Pushing and prodding trying to pull a rope here of break a link there but I can't. I've cast my die. It isn't my turn anymore. The outcome of this decision is no longer in my hands. This decision I have made is not mine alone to make. Common courtesy dictates that I wait. But how long can I wait around in a state of non definition waiting to push through the force. Waiting to move on to what is inevitably next. Something more. Something.

I'm stuck.
Waiting.
I'm not delicate.
I won't get hurt.
Just let me go.
I'll get up when I fall.

I guess it's better to know

The world throws so much noise at us.
So much excess.
So much clutter of shit we don't need.
Shit we would be better off without.
Shit.

Last weekend I came to the realization that I would rather know as soon as possible what is shit in my life and what is gold. What is worth listening to and holding on to and what I need to just cut out of my life and never really attempt to even deal with again. People, things, ideas, hopes, dreams. What do you want to deal with. What is it that you truly want in your life and what truly makes you happy? What never gives you grief or makes you think "why am I doing this?" or "why do I even hang out with these people?" If you for even one second have to question your attachment to something and if the reciprocal attachment is as strong, leave it and get out. The things you love are worth fighting for but the things that don't love you back are not.

Just my thoughts
Radhi

It comes together to fall apart

It has been quite some time I guess. Or not enough. I guess that is all up to you. But things just fell together. Life started moving. Like reallllly moving. Going too fast for me to stop and take a breath and take it in and realize that it may be going to fast. Things fell into place just like I had always hoped they would. But nothing in this world is as easy as it seems. With success of any kind comes more hard work and the expectation of more success. With any new aspiration comes more work in the hopes of reaching a goal and even surpassing it. Where am I going and when will it finally be enough? Is it even worth it if one day I wake up wondering why I have spent all of this time doing what I'm doing when all I really want to do is spend the day walking around the city and soaking everything in? When was the last day you spent relaxing with someone close to you doing things like going to the aquarium or the museums or just walking around in the sun? I can tell you exactly when the last time was for me and I can also tell you it has been way too long. I promised myself early this year that I would do more things in the city of Boston and then placated myself with the excuse that since I have been doing so much these past two semesters I just haven't had the time unless I decided to stop sleeping. But is that really a valid excuse?
Someone I recently had this conversation with brought it to my attention that "If you really want to do something or love something, you usually make the time for it." Have I really become so self involved that I am not able to make time for my own simple pleasures? Or am I over thinking this. Am I prioritizing properly in the hopes that one day I will be at a point where I CAN take the time to enjoy these pleasures. But at that point will I be too late?
I think these thoughts are being prompted by the fact that I am reaching a tipping point in my balance of activities and life. I feel like I have reached the point where if I try to juggle one more ball or balance one more plate, the entire circus act is going to come tumbling down around me, and I am wondering how I got here. How the hell did I get to this point where I just feel so damn overwhelmed by it all? And why do I feel so overwhelmed? I have never had that problem in the past I usually power through it.
And that being said, this short break is now over and I'm back to the real work. Hopefully I'll find some time to breath soon but until then, I'll bid you farewell.

Radhi

Dread

Dread.
Usually there is a reason for it.
Right now, there isn't.

Sometimes...and I'm sure I've already mentioned this...my dumb self feels this heavy black suffocating dread that I can find absolutely no reason for. But the fact that there is no reason for it makes it no less real. So this time I have been trying to analyze it. What reason do I possibly have for feeling this way? Everything has been going absolutely amazing (barring some pretty dumb things I've done in the past couple of months-none of which were so dumb that they ruined or broke anything...none of which warrant the way I'm feeling right now). I did a great job this semester, which was a relief after the way I thought things had gone. I seem to have finally figured out where I'm going with my future kinda-at least a general direction. I know what I'm supposed to be focused on at least. I have met some new amazing people who definitely make my days more interesting and I have had a great holiday. I have been applying for internships and jobs that actually seem interesting to me.

All of these things, in my mind, are good things if not great. But I can't help but feel that something is hanging over my head ready to just drop. Ready to say "hey, you aren't allowed to be this happy. Time to crush your dreams." And I guess that is making me dread the happy. What is wrong with me? Is it me? Or is it the universe kindly warning me that it is going to send me through the ringer this semester after having a great past few months?

I know what I should do. Or at least what I think I should do. I should ignore it. I should be basking in the goodness that surrounds me and throwing myself into the things I like to do. I should be telling the universe to go screw itself because I am in a good place right now and I don't think there is any way to screw it up. I am the master of my own fate type stuff. But here I sit. Like a little cowardly child waiting for the monster to crawl out of the closet and scare the begesis out of me. Waiting for something to happen that will ruin everything. This is absurd.

Snap out of it.

Radhi