So I'm going to Wales this weekend for a little bit of rest and relaxation. It turns out its going to be a girls weekend out: Thania, Sarah, Jennifer, and meeeeeee. Yesterday Jennifer and I baked some cookies and got some junk food together for the trip. I packed up a little and got my stuff together. We printed our passes and everything and got everything ready to go. I was finally starting to get excited last night about the trip because all that was standing in between the trip and me was one more class. And I like this class!
Then I woke up this morning. With a feeling of absolute, indescribable dread. I have no idea why. Nothing is wrong. Nothing happened between last night and this morning. Nothing. Nothing changed. Just me. This is absolutely silly though. I'm in London, having the time of my life, I'm going to wales tomorrow, I am going with great friends (who I am lucky to have made in such a short time), and I can't think of anything that I have to feel this dread about. But, nonetheless, there it is.
I wonder if there could be some reason that I'm not as happy as I was last night but looking back on it the only thing that could have changed between then and now is me. This was literally like 6 hours ago. And it isn't one of those "I just feel down" kind of days. I feel as if something is seriously WRONG and I just can't figure out what. It kind of scares me. And by kind of I mean alot. And I keep trying to make myself feel better by telling myself its just a weird feeling but it isn't. I have had weird feelings before and they have come and gone and they have felt nothing like this. I have no idea what this is. I am sitting here in one of the most interesting classes I have ever taken (my international business IR class--I am learning how to run the world through an online simulation) and I can barely even make myself pay attention.
I'm trying to write this down...bang it out, if you will, on my keyboard so that I can get it out of me onto the screen and see if it will make me feel better. A sort of self drive on screen exorcism, if you will. However, I'm finding it isn't helping. I'm writing the words, but they aren't changing how I feel. So then maybe this is just one of those weird feelings that I get and I'm overreacting. And it will be gone by tomorrow or the next day. If that is the case and I am blowing this out of proportion then I really need to take a moment and breathe and take everything into perspective. Ever have that feeling that you know you are being absolutely ridiculous? That whatever you are feeling can't possible be as important as you think it is but you can't help going on about it anyways? That you are really just acting like a big fat baby, so you put on a smile, quit your bitchin, and get on with your day, but you KNOW that that smile is not yours. It is a stranger's smile. It means nothing to you. It is a showpiece placed to placate the people around you--to avoid the discomfort of having a debbie downer around when everyone else is having fun. Ever notice how nobody really answers the question "how are you" truthfully anymore? It has become like the greeting "hello." when someone says "hello," you usually respond back with another automatic greeting. Hello. Hello. Well, "how are you" has become much of the same. When someone asks you never really tell them how you are. Usually you answer with a generic "fine," or "good." And its fine that your answer doesn't really mean anything because they aren't really interested in how you are doing. Society has just deemed it polite that you ask. So no matter how we feel, we put on a smile and say "fine."
How am I? I'm fine. How am I really? I guess I'll know in a few days. Maybe a change of air in the country side in wales will do me good. I'll know in a few days.
Radhi
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